What was it?

Was it love, lust or something else completely? I don't know how to explain the last year of my life. That's hard and seems horrible for me to say. I feel like my heart is mended ever since I went to church on Sunday (I go every Sunday, but yesterday seemed pretty special). Now I just have to understand the feelings I have for a guy that I've known practically my whole life. He knows I like him. I know he likes me... Pretty sure, but there's nothing done about it. Ya! You read that right. Nothing... Nada is happening. I ate dinner tonight with one of my best friends, and she put things into perspective talking about a guy she really likes. Our lives really are kind of parralel right now besides her having a son ;). She talked about how we could die not knowing how the other person feels, so it's not worth it not to talk to them or to play the stupid mind games. I feel like she is so right having been through really tough times.

My friend... We will just call him that... Is someone that I could totally see myself with most of the time. I think he's the kind of guy that my family would love that hasn't met him, and my friends liked. It's only hard to get him talking at times, but in my dreams he is quiet and they still like him then. Well... That kind of sounded like a stalker. Eeek! What I meant was that he shows up in my dreams a lot of the time and is interacting with my friends and family and keeping me close and being all cutesy and... Blah blah blah! See, the thing is... I think he thought he was worse than he actually was. He wasn't the most cuddly fellow, but I was okay with that. The few times he did let me in, I was very happy :).

There's really nothing else to say except that I wanna see my future still even though that would spoil absolutely everything ;). The end

Xoxo,
Blabbermouth :)

This is me. This is my story. This is my Testimony

Let your past experiences be a testimony to the people you come in contact with. My past relationship has opened so many doors with people I never would've had anything  in common with before (or so I thought). 

I've never really talked about my high school relationship with anyone out in the open unless it was a close friend. I'm not proud of the way situations were handled... Or maybe I was ashamed?

I was a freshman when I entered the negative relationship with an older boy that I thought completed me. He was not someone I ever thought I would connect with on another level because we were very different. 

We dated off and on for years. Every day and every time we broke up became harder and harder to break free from. We became dependent on each other. We became all we cared about... It was just not right. When you become to close to another person --- where is the time and room for God. Exactly... There isn't. He became obsessed with "checking in" with me to where it was impossible to not argue every single day. He was part father part boyfriend part police officer. I had no time for friends. I had no time for God. After one of our break ups, he promised to change like all the other times, and he started coming to church with me. I know! Exciting right? Well... Church was my refuge before.. At 15/16 when you have everything weighing down on you, it's nice to know that you still have a church family. Once, he started coming, it turned into another event we had to go to together and another place to argue. He was jealous of anything and everything that took the focus off of him, and sadly, looking back I guess God even fits into that box. 

I had so many friends that I would try to explain to and rationalize with that he wasn't always like this or he said he would change. It was never enough for me to simply ask him to stop being rude to my friends. That would turn into a fight about why they were "more" important. PAUSE. Girls, your friends are important! 

AND CONTINUE. 

It was literally a sickness that came over my mind when we were dating. There was no getting away. He would call my phone, my family members' phones... It didn't matter. The time didn't even matter.

Now I want to be clear in saying that this is not a hate bash isn't my past relationship or his family. They are wonderful people. I was wrong as well. I was part of the dependent relationship. There was never an out. We were still "fighting" or dating until I went to college. Even then he would find a way to be in my life. In my heart I knew he would have the power to really hurt me if I didn't Get. Out. I had no room to breathe.

When I went off to college and had guy friends. Really. Boys that were friends. He would find out. I remember him messaging some of the guys on Facebook if we were tagged in the same posts. 

When I briefly dated someone during a summer, he private messaged him giving him tips on dating me. They turned out to be just derogatory terms and insults as to why he couldn't put up with me. 

Even during my most recent relationship in which I really felt something deeper than just a crush, he asked me a few things through social media trying to find out Information on my boyfriend. It was just sick! 

Now there is also another side to this which I'm sure many of you have seen girls do while dealing with jerks like this. They hate them so much for so long. But.... Then they start to get mad when you talk about them:.. Even if they were just bashing the guy. It's a touchy thing even for me just typing it, so I get it. I promise. The other side is when I started to miss being around him and seeing him and craving that attention when I got to college. Every time we broke up I knew that it was the right thing because his presence was not something I wanted to deal with everyday, but inside I was a wreck and just wanted to think about all the good times. 1. That was not very many times in comparison to the bad times (remember that). 2. This was not correct of me. I could've saved so much heart ache if I had talked to my family or his family and not just let him of let myself talk me into giving him another chance. 

If you're wondering why I'm the way I am now, I still think this had a lot to do with it. I'm independent because of all I was went through. Having some verbally abuse you and put you down for having another opinion than their own is not okay. Having someone make you depressed in college when it's supposed to be the best years of your life isn't living. If there are people you know dealing with drugs, you know how hard that is to get out of. Well for me, this relationship was my drug. Being so claustrophobic by nature, I'm not sure why I let this smother me and hold me back for so long. I hope by sharing my story one day I can help young girls. 

Abuse of any kind isn't where I was my students, family, friends, or future children to be around. If, by chance you know my story somewhat or totally and completely and I hurt you during this time, I would love a chance to make it up to you. There's no excuse for dropping people like hotcakes for a relationship. Remember that! 

Xoxo, Blabbermouth :)